Through the years of my life I have had several loves. Some short others long. It is my current love that I want to write about at this time.This tale starts at the end of another. My last love was Ralph. He and I had a a relationship that had lasted for just over ten years. I have many very fond memories of Ralph to this day.
The fact is that even after our relationship as a couple came to an end we were still good friends and lived together for another three years. Both of us dated during this time and helped each other deal with the problems we each encountered.
I still love each and every one of the men that I have had the joy of being a part of my life. Each of them taught me and helped me grow.One of the strange things that I have experienced is that each and every one of them were not from Seattle. I don't know why or what it is about me that I have the dumbest luck with relationships. First is was Seattle-Phoenix AZ, then Seattle Vancouver BC and then Seattle - Boston MA.
It was at the end of the Seattle - Boston relation ships that I thought all would change. Ralph and I had been broken up for a couple of years. Even with as hard as it was the two of us some how managed to remain friends helping each other with the new relationships that we both had. During our time together Ralph always would always ask me “ what is it that you are looking for?” I never knew how to answer that question and I guess I never under stood it either. But as in all things it was to be answered in time for both Ralph and myself.
About two years after the two of us had started living new lives and new relation ships that as twisted as life can be a new road opened for me one day. Ralph loved to chat, So he spent much of his time online meeting new friends and finding new relationships. One evening he headed out to meet with some one that he had met online at Star bucks for coffee. I was home when Ralph returned. I have this moment of my life engraved into my memory and trust that it will never fade.
Ralph walked through the door first and was followed my the guy he had met online. It was at that moment that the answer to the question that Ralph always asked me I was able to answer to my self at lest. I don’t know what it was but am so grateful that it was at last answered for myself. Behind Ralph was Jean Pierre. I was a bit taken back and I was confused as to why Ralph had gone to meet with JP as he was not what Ralph would have normally been interested in for any sort of relationship. Ralph had always been attracted to the more GQ type of guys in general and JP was not that. He was slender, dark hair, deep penetrating brown eyes and stole my heart the moment I say him. I knew then that JP was who and what I had been looking for.
That first evening we all went into the kitchen. Well you know a good party is always in the kitchen. The three of us spent the evening talking getting to know each other. As time went by we all be great friends. Knowing the way I felt about JP I was truly at a loss at first as he and Ralph had hooked up first and even with Ralph and I being separated and all. I just could not pursue any thing other then friendship with JP even though I knew I wanted much much more then just that.
During the first three months that we all hung out together going to dinner and out dancing for the evenings. I kept finding myself growing closer and closer to JP. It was also during this time that Ralph learned that his mom was suffering from kidney disease and would need a kidney transplant. There were two members of Ralph’s family that were compatible with his mother for the transplant. His sister and Ralph him self. Ralph refused to allow his sister to be the donor as the kidney disease runs on the female side of the family and it was most likely that she would face the same problem as her mother. So Ralph became the donor and went through all of the test to make sure that it would work.
Before Ralph left to head back east for the operation for his mother I sat down and chatted with him. I asked him what was the story between him and Pierre. He let me know that they were just friends. I told him I asked because I really was interested in Pierre but that there was no way that I was going to get in the way if he was pursuing a relationship with Pierre. He assured me that there was not.
Ralph’s mother lived back east and finally Ralph headed back for the surgery for the transplant. On the night of the surgery JP came over to the house to wait with me to hear what the results were. He showed up just before I got a call from Ralph’s sister letting me know that the surgery was a success and that both Ralph and his mother were doing great.
We spent the rest of the evening on the couch talking about life. I told Jean Pierre about my life and some of the stories that I had lived through. In return he told me more about his life. We had been there for about an hour or so when Pierre stopped me. He told me he had to stop me and tell me something as I had been the one doing most of the talking. But I do tend to chat quite a bit after a couple of glasses of wine. Just ask any of my friends and they will let you know that it is way to true. But in life there are those moment that are just so special and so rare that you see them as if it had just happened. This was one of those for me.
Pierre looked at me and told me “it is so funny we have been sitting her for the last hour chatting and I know you better then Ralph after the last three months. I don’t know what it is but there is just this wall with him that I just can not seem to get past.” I started to laugh a little and told him that I understood and that I had tried to get past that same wall for the ten years that we were together.
The two of us looked at each other and I don’t know if I leaned over or if he leaned over to me or we both did. But I knew all I wanted was to kiss him and I did. After we kissed I looked up into those beautiful brown eyes of his and asked him if he was going to leave for the night. With a huge grin and a sparkle in his eye he told me “no way I am spending the night here.” That night I held him close to me and I woke the next day with him at my side and I knew that I was going to have a hard time telling Ralph the answer to his question.
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
JP's story....
It was late and the fire was startingto burn low. Pierre sat next to the hearth the same as he had every night for the past two years. As always there was a glass for Tanat in his hand. Looking into his glass lifting his eyes he looked at the children next to the hearth staying warm for the night. With a smile and a twinkle in his eyes he turned and said to the children "live life that is what you need to do. See it to it's fullest. Make of it what you will. thats what I will do everyday of my, it'swhat i will do to the end of my days"
Nico as alway sat at his father side being a great grandfather himself theses days. "listen to what JP has to say. He has lived longer then most men these days. He knows what he is talking about."
Now as always when Jp had a glas of Tanat and a warm fire to sit next to a good story was in the telling. JP was know for his wisdom living as long as he had. 'Pepe" the yongest one would say "'Pepe tell us your story. Tell us of what make life what make you smile as you do."
"Jaritza, all you have to do is look to my side. Life is never what you expect. Walking through a door you could face your future and never know it. What you see can be the opisite of all that you know and see." said JP "So it is the story of a life worth living, a life well lived that you want young one."
"Oh please Pepe tell me your story" said Jaritza
"Now jaritza every thing is not as you would expect. It was a long time ago. Life was not what it is these days. It was around the turn that life started once again for me. Not in the way that one would think. I was happy I had love in my life a future worth looking forward to. or so it seemed happy as one hopes for in there youth. My life was off to a good start or so I thought."
"What do you mean Pepe?' asked jaritza as she climed up into JP's lap.
"Well, you see little one. It was a wonderful time of my life. I spent my time travelling. Helping kids learning to learn. i got to fly from one contry to another. Helping the children of each contry to live a better life. I help so that they could learn more about life. I so enjoyed that time of my life. But as in all things life changes."
Jaritza being the inquizitive one that she was always was always good for another question. "so what happened to make that change Pepe."
"well it was like this. All things change. even when we wish that they wouldn't. Times changed and what was.. was no more. The job i had was gone and I was left with a choice that would end up changing my life and take me in a new direction. I took a chance and left my familly leaving all that was home for me. I left the country of my birth as my parents had in hopes of being abot to provide for my familly. You know that familly is my life not only for my self but for those that I love."
As alway Jaritza "where did you go Pepe?"
I travelled north to were most of our familly had moved years before. It was there that my life would change in ways that I never thought that it would." At first it was dificult having to live with my parents and my brother once again. Days and weeks went by. I fould that making my wasy in this new place was just as dificult as living here. I no friends other then our familly. So in my free time i found my self e-mailing my friends and chatting on the web.
It was chatting on the web one day that I met Ralph. As the days went by and we chatted more and more we got know each other well. So, we dicided to meet for Coffee on day. We met as a local StarBucks. It was one of the many places that were popular at that time. After getting our coffee we went to sit out on the patio there as it was warm for a winter day. After finishing our coffee it had cooled off and we were still in the mode to chat a while longer. Plus he offer wine and you know how I enjoy a good glass of wine.
As we chatted I leared that Ralph still lived with with ex boyfriend. He had told me about there break up and that for the most part that they were on got along well and that he would be there most likely when we got to his home. We both drove over to his home to chat some more and enjoy a glass of Merlo.
I followed Ralph through the front door and we were both greated by his ex. dispite what I knew about him I was really sprised. We all headed into the kitchen and spent the evening drinking wine getting to know each other. It was a great eveing.
Ove the next couple of months the three of hung out together. We would go out for dinner and out on the town to go dancing. I became friends with not only Ralph but his ex as well.
Now durring this time Ralph's mother was having problems with her health and was in need of a kidney transplant. as it turned out Ralph and his sister were the only two in the familly that were able to donate one of there kidneys to there mother. Ralph made the choice for to give up one of his kidneys as the probllem with his mother tended to run on the female side of the familly. He didn't want his sister to give up one of hers as she might be in the same situation some day.
Well Ralph took a flight back east to his parents home to go through the surgery so his mom could have a good kidney. On the night of the sergery I went over to his house to wait with his ex Chris to find out how things went. Ralph called shortly after i had arived and let us know that the surgery was successful and that both he and his mother were doing well.
We both celebrated with a glass of wine and I had teh best tie chatting with Chris that i ever had. At one point I looked over at him and told him that I was funny that over the last hour af talking with him that I knew him better then I knew Ralph. He looked at me and started to laugh and then told me that he knew what Iwas talking about and that he had tried to get past that wall for over 10 years and was never able to. It was at this moment that the two of us looked in to each other eys seeing the stars there we both leaned towrd each other and kissed. Chris asked me if I was going to leave that night and I told him there was no way that I would.
From this day forward it is no longer mine but both our story. It has been an adventure ever since. LYTMD is our montra it means Love You Truly Madly Deeply. It is from a song from Savage Garden that Chris shared with me one day.
Nico as alway sat at his father side being a great grandfather himself theses days. "listen to what JP has to say. He has lived longer then most men these days. He knows what he is talking about."
Now as always when Jp had a glas of Tanat and a warm fire to sit next to a good story was in the telling. JP was know for his wisdom living as long as he had. 'Pepe" the yongest one would say "'Pepe tell us your story. Tell us of what make life what make you smile as you do."
"Jaritza, all you have to do is look to my side. Life is never what you expect. Walking through a door you could face your future and never know it. What you see can be the opisite of all that you know and see." said JP "So it is the story of a life worth living, a life well lived that you want young one."
"Oh please Pepe tell me your story" said Jaritza
"Now jaritza every thing is not as you would expect. It was a long time ago. Life was not what it is these days. It was around the turn that life started once again for me. Not in the way that one would think. I was happy I had love in my life a future worth looking forward to. or so it seemed happy as one hopes for in there youth. My life was off to a good start or so I thought."
"What do you mean Pepe?' asked jaritza as she climed up into JP's lap.
"Well, you see little one. It was a wonderful time of my life. I spent my time travelling. Helping kids learning to learn. i got to fly from one contry to another. Helping the children of each contry to live a better life. I help so that they could learn more about life. I so enjoyed that time of my life. But as in all things life changes."
Jaritza being the inquizitive one that she was always was always good for another question. "so what happened to make that change Pepe."
"well it was like this. All things change. even when we wish that they wouldn't. Times changed and what was.. was no more. The job i had was gone and I was left with a choice that would end up changing my life and take me in a new direction. I took a chance and left my familly leaving all that was home for me. I left the country of my birth as my parents had in hopes of being abot to provide for my familly. You know that familly is my life not only for my self but for those that I love."
As alway Jaritza "where did you go Pepe?"
I travelled north to were most of our familly had moved years before. It was there that my life would change in ways that I never thought that it would." At first it was dificult having to live with my parents and my brother once again. Days and weeks went by. I fould that making my wasy in this new place was just as dificult as living here. I no friends other then our familly. So in my free time i found my self e-mailing my friends and chatting on the web.
It was chatting on the web one day that I met Ralph. As the days went by and we chatted more and more we got know each other well. So, we dicided to meet for Coffee on day. We met as a local StarBucks. It was one of the many places that were popular at that time. After getting our coffee we went to sit out on the patio there as it was warm for a winter day. After finishing our coffee it had cooled off and we were still in the mode to chat a while longer. Plus he offer wine and you know how I enjoy a good glass of wine.
As we chatted I leared that Ralph still lived with with ex boyfriend. He had told me about there break up and that for the most part that they were on got along well and that he would be there most likely when we got to his home. We both drove over to his home to chat some more and enjoy a glass of Merlo.
I followed Ralph through the front door and we were both greated by his ex. dispite what I knew about him I was really sprised. We all headed into the kitchen and spent the evening drinking wine getting to know each other. It was a great eveing.
Ove the next couple of months the three of hung out together. We would go out for dinner and out on the town to go dancing. I became friends with not only Ralph but his ex as well.
Now durring this time Ralph's mother was having problems with her health and was in need of a kidney transplant. as it turned out Ralph and his sister were the only two in the familly that were able to donate one of there kidneys to there mother. Ralph made the choice for to give up one of his kidneys as the probllem with his mother tended to run on the female side of the familly. He didn't want his sister to give up one of hers as she might be in the same situation some day.
Well Ralph took a flight back east to his parents home to go through the surgery so his mom could have a good kidney. On the night of the sergery I went over to his house to wait with his ex Chris to find out how things went. Ralph called shortly after i had arived and let us know that the surgery was successful and that both he and his mother were doing well.
We both celebrated with a glass of wine and I had teh best tie chatting with Chris that i ever had. At one point I looked over at him and told him that I was funny that over the last hour af talking with him that I knew him better then I knew Ralph. He looked at me and started to laugh and then told me that he knew what Iwas talking about and that he had tried to get past that wall for over 10 years and was never able to. It was at this moment that the two of us looked in to each other eys seeing the stars there we both leaned towrd each other and kissed. Chris asked me if I was going to leave that night and I told him there was no way that I would.
From this day forward it is no longer mine but both our story. It has been an adventure ever since. LYTMD is our montra it means Love You Truly Madly Deeply. It is from a song from Savage Garden that Chris shared with me one day.
Monday, March 24, 2008
The story that you will find in the below entry you will find many mistakes. Please let me know and comment on the corrections I need to make. I am sharing with you one of the hardest stories of my life. It is the short tail and one that I will expand so that you can truely see what it means to me.
Thank You
Thank You
Sunday, March 23, 2008
Randy a start to life
This next story is a part of my life that i wish to share. Please excuse my miss spellings as this is a hard story for me to share. This eveing as I tell this story Molly sits curled up at my side ginving me the confort that I need. Please let me know what need correcting as this is just a ruff draft. Thanks again for reading what I share of my self with you.
Love is the greatest part of life that we all get to experiance. My first true love was and has been one of the most defining parts of my life. It started me on my life journey that I now follow. I was in my third year of high school. Learning about the normal things that we all study. Math, english, history and science. I had decieced to take an electronics class. You just never know or understand how something so insignificant can make such a large change in ones life. This was just what I was about to experiance.
Now before I contiue I must let you all know that this is one of the gost of my past. It is a part of my life that is not easy for me to talk about. There are for all of us parts of our past that bring great great pain and hurt to us all. This is one of those times and part of my life that I have relived time and time agian and I still have not nor do I believe will ever be able to stop the tears that this part of my past bring to my eyes. I tell this story to help bring so peace to my mind some peace to my soul. This is the story of the closes soul that I shall ever be able to share.
their are some people that when you meet you just know that they are the most special part of your life that you will ever get to experiance. I share this story of you my friend. I will never forget you. Those who will never know you can grasp that which is the most important part of my life.
It all started durring the fall of 1989. I had spent the last year getting use to highschool. seeing what it is to be able to start to chart your own life, to be able to make the choices that lead your self in the derections that you hope that your life will follow. That fall i had signed up for the classes that I would use to help me learn the those things that would help me follow that path that I thought would be my life. How far from the truth this turned out to be still to this day has seceeded to amaze me.
One of the classes was to be in electonics. The first day in this class we had were to be set up with our lab partners. It was this day above all others that have set me on the corse of my life. It was this day that I meet the most important person to change my life that i would know. The reason is that I had always been a loner. One of those kids that always was on the out side. I was didn't have a friend that was close enough to talk about growing up the fears that I had the joy of sharing with some one who would understand and be there for you when you need someone. Little did I know that all that was about to change for me. We were all asked to partner up whith a friend or whom ever we wanted to have as a lab partner. Every one got paired up and I was stuck with out any one that was not who I had hoped for. And the person sitting next to me said to me that I was not the person that he had wished to be stuck with either. As strange as that was it was that start of the most important friendship that I would ever have or ever experiance.
My lab partners name was Randy. If I knew where this friendship would lead I don't know if I would still have made a friend with him. I know that sounds strange especially after i have mentioned that he is the most important person that I have ever meet. At the same time it has become the greatest loss of my life and the pain and hurt that I feel could never be put to words.
Keeping the story short as time whent by and Randy and i worked togther as lab partners we became inseperal friends. As the days went by and become months we grew closer than I thought was posible or thought that that two people could share. As time goes by I will tell you more of the story the two of us shared but for now I am going to keep it short as it is one that is to hard for me to tell. The short about Randy is that he did not have the best of familly life. His mother is one of the most caring people that I know. One who will always seach and find what is best in life for her and her familly. His step dad at the time was another story. It was through the dificulties that he faced and the normal problems that each of us face as adolesence growing up and It was through these problems that we both faced that I have had the most incredible experiance of my life. To this day some thing that i still have problems believing to be true. But at the same time I know it was just that and one that I hope that I will be able to experiance again.
Randy and I leaned and shared a closeness that I hope each of you who read this get to experiance in your life as there is nothing a precious or more improbable that one can share with any one. Those of you who have or ever get to expriance this type of closeness will understand that which it is that I am trying to share with you. For those of you have not I hope that some day you will. As hard as this is to see as being true believe me it is nothing more that that the simple truth of what the two of us where able to share with each other.
Randy and I some how with out undersanding how or caring why became so close, we cared about each other so much that we got to a point that when either of us had a problem that we were able to understand each other problems before the other even told what it was that was wrong. We were both were able to not only undersand what was going on but able to give each other the answer to what would make things right. I still to this day remember it and the look on Randy's face as I helped him and the feeling that I had as he did the same for me. Working through those times in our lifes not knowing where we were headed what it is that laid before each of us.
Time went by and we contiued to grow closer as each day went by. His mother finally left his step dad. With in the next year i had finished High School and Randy who was a year behind me mother had moved to eastern Washington taking her two boys with her. That summer I went and vistited Randy not knowing what laided in front of the two of us, a night that has is imprinted on my soul as the wost night of my life. I had a wonderful time while I was there. We both lived life to its fulles doing the things that you do durring your youth swimming and just having the kind of fun that makes ones hart sore.
We had both came to a part in our lifes that we had both come to understand that we were ment to share and life the rest of our lives together. Each of us knew that we wanted nothing more that to be a part and spend our lifes together. There was nothing that we could not do. If I could change any part of my life what was to come next is the one part that i would change no matter the out come.
The night of my night meres that will never leave me is what came next. That following fall I had not seen Randy for a while and he had just purchased a mortorcycle so he was going to be able to come back to Seattle and visit me. I was so excited and looking forward to seeing my best friend once again. To be able to be together once again. The evening that Randy finally arived our friends were at my home and it was late and they were all just about to leave when her finnally arrived. I will always remember as if it had just happened and for me it is just as it was then. I remember the joy and happyness that filled me at seeing him at being togther once again. Little did I know what it was that I our friendship ment to the two of us. It is to my sorrow that life teaches us what means the most to us in those hours, minutes and seconds that will never leave us. The next few hours have been imprinted on my soul that I shall never ever forget them.
Just after Randy arived my friends where leaving for the evening. Randy told me that he wanted to go and spend some time with them as he had not seen them for a long time. Not worrying about it I told him to go with them and that I would stay home. I was staying in the basement of my home at the time. Our friends headed down the hallway and up the stairs to leave. Randy followed but waited at the same time for them to head up the stairs to leave leaving the two of us alone. Nothing has ever or will ever mean as much to me as what was to happen. Randy stopped halfway down the hall way. I can still see it as if it were happening to me this moment nore will i ever see it any other way. I can see him stop and turn to face me. He walked slowly down to me and stopped. Looking me in the eyes holding my soul close to his he told me that he loved me. He held me in his arms for the first and only time that I was able to know. I never saw him in that light before I never thought that he and I could be lovers but in that second I had know doubt to what he told me.
He then told me that he would be back in a little while. I told him the door would be open so he could come in. I went off to bed as I had to go to work the next day. I was just about off to sleep and the phone rang. I didn't think much of it as the phone often wrang at night with my moms job. Next there was a knock at my door. The phone call was not for my mom it was for me. It was for me one that that I hope never will ever have to live again. I looked at the phone in horror but picked it up the same. The call was from Harborview hospital. Randy had had an acident on his mortercycle and was in a coma and needed to have surgery that only his mom could aprove. I was the only one that they had the number for so I gave the hospital his Mothers number and they hung up as there was no time to wait.
I remember sitting in my bed in shock. Not knowing what to think or what to do. mom came back to my bed room as I sat there in my bed and asked me if I was going to go to the hospital. I still remember saying i didn't know what to do and then relising the truth of it all and saying that I had no choice but to go to the hospital.
To this day those at the hospital sill remember the not ever seeing so many friends show up in the middle of the night for any one. They told me that they had never seen so many people show up for any one. the emegancy room was full and all and every one that was there was there for Randy, He was that loved and cared about by so many. there are few that are out there that can drive this kind of responce that to this day it is still remembered.
The rest of that night I can only rember being in shock sitting in the emegancy room. I don't remember many of my friends coming to me as they knew how cloce the two of us were. For next three months i went to the hospital to see Randy and there was little change to him. He seemed to me to be nothing but a shell of the friend that I had. I spent day after day sitting by his side chating with his mom who never lost faith that her son would return to her. i shared the same faith that my friend who had finally told me that he loved me would return to us.
It was close to christmas that life started to return to Randy. He had been in a coma from the acident that took him from me for over three months. I sat one day i don't know what night it was other then being there. I remember telling him as I had done time after time again that I was there and that I loved him more then anthing else. I was holding his hand it had never moved but that time it did and he squized my hand in return. i was over joyed that at long last he would recover and leave the coma that had become my best friends life.
As time went by and Randy finally left the hospital and was able to go home and start his life again, did the reallity of it all come to life. All that had been there prior was gone all of the friendship was at a loss he only seemed to remember me for being there as he woke to life once again. To this day as far as I know he never came back to what he was prior and does not remember what it was that we were. My friend the person that ment life to me was gone. I did try for serveral years to keep in touch with him. I did learn that he did graduate from our high school and was able to walk to get his diploma but his memories of me where gone.
I weep every day that his story comes to my mind. I miss him more than anthing in my life and will never forget the friend and love that I have for him. I will never stop loving him I only hope that some day that the tears that come to my eyes will turn to memories of the love that we shared. For all my life I have searched for this love. I hope that some day I can feel what I was able to share with him. I hope and trust that I will be able to share that love once again. I don't know how to share or tell the story of that love and that kind of caring that one can have for another. It was a rare and special gift that was a part of my life one that I hope never will leave me.
To you my friend, My first true love that was returned. I can never forget you and trust that I never do. I love you my friend I will never forget you or your memory of what you mean to me. Thank you for the lesons you taught me. Your kindness your spirit and love of life. Your ability to see what is needed and the help you have given that made me in to part of who and what I am you will never be forgoton. your ability to be happy and make those around you feel the same when they felt so lost. you where my soul mate one of which I have searched for sence the night I lost I lost you. i have wished night after night that you would some day remember me and what we meant to eachother.
I bear my heart to this story. As this is a story of mine that has hurt me to the core of my being. Those of you who know me that have seen my tears. Thank you for your love and your suport. It has been years that have gone by now. I remember the lesons that I leared from my young friend. i don't know what it was between the two of us that put both of us be yound our years. but those leasons that advice that Randy gave to me sever me to this day. It is my montra. do no harm, live life to its fullest. Love those for who and what they are. Do no harm to any other. i have and will my life by this. My thanks to you can never be repaid. All my love to you Randy hart and soul I can never forget you and I never wish to.
Love is the greatest part of life that we all get to experiance. My first true love was and has been one of the most defining parts of my life. It started me on my life journey that I now follow. I was in my third year of high school. Learning about the normal things that we all study. Math, english, history and science. I had decieced to take an electronics class. You just never know or understand how something so insignificant can make such a large change in ones life. This was just what I was about to experiance.
Now before I contiue I must let you all know that this is one of the gost of my past. It is a part of my life that is not easy for me to talk about. There are for all of us parts of our past that bring great great pain and hurt to us all. This is one of those times and part of my life that I have relived time and time agian and I still have not nor do I believe will ever be able to stop the tears that this part of my past bring to my eyes. I tell this story to help bring so peace to my mind some peace to my soul. This is the story of the closes soul that I shall ever be able to share.
their are some people that when you meet you just know that they are the most special part of your life that you will ever get to experiance. I share this story of you my friend. I will never forget you. Those who will never know you can grasp that which is the most important part of my life.
It all started durring the fall of 1989. I had spent the last year getting use to highschool. seeing what it is to be able to start to chart your own life, to be able to make the choices that lead your self in the derections that you hope that your life will follow. That fall i had signed up for the classes that I would use to help me learn the those things that would help me follow that path that I thought would be my life. How far from the truth this turned out to be still to this day has seceeded to amaze me.
One of the classes was to be in electonics. The first day in this class we had were to be set up with our lab partners. It was this day above all others that have set me on the corse of my life. It was this day that I meet the most important person to change my life that i would know. The reason is that I had always been a loner. One of those kids that always was on the out side. I was didn't have a friend that was close enough to talk about growing up the fears that I had the joy of sharing with some one who would understand and be there for you when you need someone. Little did I know that all that was about to change for me. We were all asked to partner up whith a friend or whom ever we wanted to have as a lab partner. Every one got paired up and I was stuck with out any one that was not who I had hoped for. And the person sitting next to me said to me that I was not the person that he had wished to be stuck with either. As strange as that was it was that start of the most important friendship that I would ever have or ever experiance.
My lab partners name was Randy. If I knew where this friendship would lead I don't know if I would still have made a friend with him. I know that sounds strange especially after i have mentioned that he is the most important person that I have ever meet. At the same time it has become the greatest loss of my life and the pain and hurt that I feel could never be put to words.
Keeping the story short as time whent by and Randy and i worked togther as lab partners we became inseperal friends. As the days went by and become months we grew closer than I thought was posible or thought that that two people could share. As time goes by I will tell you more of the story the two of us shared but for now I am going to keep it short as it is one that is to hard for me to tell. The short about Randy is that he did not have the best of familly life. His mother is one of the most caring people that I know. One who will always seach and find what is best in life for her and her familly. His step dad at the time was another story. It was through the dificulties that he faced and the normal problems that each of us face as adolesence growing up and It was through these problems that we both faced that I have had the most incredible experiance of my life. To this day some thing that i still have problems believing to be true. But at the same time I know it was just that and one that I hope that I will be able to experiance again.
Randy and I leaned and shared a closeness that I hope each of you who read this get to experiance in your life as there is nothing a precious or more improbable that one can share with any one. Those of you who have or ever get to expriance this type of closeness will understand that which it is that I am trying to share with you. For those of you have not I hope that some day you will. As hard as this is to see as being true believe me it is nothing more that that the simple truth of what the two of us where able to share with each other.
Randy and I some how with out undersanding how or caring why became so close, we cared about each other so much that we got to a point that when either of us had a problem that we were able to understand each other problems before the other even told what it was that was wrong. We were both were able to not only undersand what was going on but able to give each other the answer to what would make things right. I still to this day remember it and the look on Randy's face as I helped him and the feeling that I had as he did the same for me. Working through those times in our lifes not knowing where we were headed what it is that laid before each of us.
Time went by and we contiued to grow closer as each day went by. His mother finally left his step dad. With in the next year i had finished High School and Randy who was a year behind me mother had moved to eastern Washington taking her two boys with her. That summer I went and vistited Randy not knowing what laided in front of the two of us, a night that has is imprinted on my soul as the wost night of my life. I had a wonderful time while I was there. We both lived life to its fulles doing the things that you do durring your youth swimming and just having the kind of fun that makes ones hart sore.
We had both came to a part in our lifes that we had both come to understand that we were ment to share and life the rest of our lives together. Each of us knew that we wanted nothing more that to be a part and spend our lifes together. There was nothing that we could not do. If I could change any part of my life what was to come next is the one part that i would change no matter the out come.
The night of my night meres that will never leave me is what came next. That following fall I had not seen Randy for a while and he had just purchased a mortorcycle so he was going to be able to come back to Seattle and visit me. I was so excited and looking forward to seeing my best friend once again. To be able to be together once again. The evening that Randy finally arived our friends were at my home and it was late and they were all just about to leave when her finnally arrived. I will always remember as if it had just happened and for me it is just as it was then. I remember the joy and happyness that filled me at seeing him at being togther once again. Little did I know what it was that I our friendship ment to the two of us. It is to my sorrow that life teaches us what means the most to us in those hours, minutes and seconds that will never leave us. The next few hours have been imprinted on my soul that I shall never ever forget them.
Just after Randy arived my friends where leaving for the evening. Randy told me that he wanted to go and spend some time with them as he had not seen them for a long time. Not worrying about it I told him to go with them and that I would stay home. I was staying in the basement of my home at the time. Our friends headed down the hallway and up the stairs to leave. Randy followed but waited at the same time for them to head up the stairs to leave leaving the two of us alone. Nothing has ever or will ever mean as much to me as what was to happen. Randy stopped halfway down the hall way. I can still see it as if it were happening to me this moment nore will i ever see it any other way. I can see him stop and turn to face me. He walked slowly down to me and stopped. Looking me in the eyes holding my soul close to his he told me that he loved me. He held me in his arms for the first and only time that I was able to know. I never saw him in that light before I never thought that he and I could be lovers but in that second I had know doubt to what he told me.
He then told me that he would be back in a little while. I told him the door would be open so he could come in. I went off to bed as I had to go to work the next day. I was just about off to sleep and the phone rang. I didn't think much of it as the phone often wrang at night with my moms job. Next there was a knock at my door. The phone call was not for my mom it was for me. It was for me one that that I hope never will ever have to live again. I looked at the phone in horror but picked it up the same. The call was from Harborview hospital. Randy had had an acident on his mortercycle and was in a coma and needed to have surgery that only his mom could aprove. I was the only one that they had the number for so I gave the hospital his Mothers number and they hung up as there was no time to wait.
I remember sitting in my bed in shock. Not knowing what to think or what to do. mom came back to my bed room as I sat there in my bed and asked me if I was going to go to the hospital. I still remember saying i didn't know what to do and then relising the truth of it all and saying that I had no choice but to go to the hospital.
To this day those at the hospital sill remember the not ever seeing so many friends show up in the middle of the night for any one. They told me that they had never seen so many people show up for any one. the emegancy room was full and all and every one that was there was there for Randy, He was that loved and cared about by so many. there are few that are out there that can drive this kind of responce that to this day it is still remembered.
The rest of that night I can only rember being in shock sitting in the emegancy room. I don't remember many of my friends coming to me as they knew how cloce the two of us were. For next three months i went to the hospital to see Randy and there was little change to him. He seemed to me to be nothing but a shell of the friend that I had. I spent day after day sitting by his side chating with his mom who never lost faith that her son would return to her. i shared the same faith that my friend who had finally told me that he loved me would return to us.
It was close to christmas that life started to return to Randy. He had been in a coma from the acident that took him from me for over three months. I sat one day i don't know what night it was other then being there. I remember telling him as I had done time after time again that I was there and that I loved him more then anthing else. I was holding his hand it had never moved but that time it did and he squized my hand in return. i was over joyed that at long last he would recover and leave the coma that had become my best friends life.
As time went by and Randy finally left the hospital and was able to go home and start his life again, did the reallity of it all come to life. All that had been there prior was gone all of the friendship was at a loss he only seemed to remember me for being there as he woke to life once again. To this day as far as I know he never came back to what he was prior and does not remember what it was that we were. My friend the person that ment life to me was gone. I did try for serveral years to keep in touch with him. I did learn that he did graduate from our high school and was able to walk to get his diploma but his memories of me where gone.
I weep every day that his story comes to my mind. I miss him more than anthing in my life and will never forget the friend and love that I have for him. I will never stop loving him I only hope that some day that the tears that come to my eyes will turn to memories of the love that we shared. For all my life I have searched for this love. I hope that some day I can feel what I was able to share with him. I hope and trust that I will be able to share that love once again. I don't know how to share or tell the story of that love and that kind of caring that one can have for another. It was a rare and special gift that was a part of my life one that I hope never will leave me.
To you my friend, My first true love that was returned. I can never forget you and trust that I never do. I love you my friend I will never forget you or your memory of what you mean to me. Thank you for the lesons you taught me. Your kindness your spirit and love of life. Your ability to see what is needed and the help you have given that made me in to part of who and what I am you will never be forgoton. your ability to be happy and make those around you feel the same when they felt so lost. you where my soul mate one of which I have searched for sence the night I lost I lost you. i have wished night after night that you would some day remember me and what we meant to eachother.
I bear my heart to this story. As this is a story of mine that has hurt me to the core of my being. Those of you who know me that have seen my tears. Thank you for your love and your suport. It has been years that have gone by now. I remember the lesons that I leared from my young friend. i don't know what it was between the two of us that put both of us be yound our years. but those leasons that advice that Randy gave to me sever me to this day. It is my montra. do no harm, live life to its fullest. Love those for who and what they are. Do no harm to any other. i have and will my life by this. My thanks to you can never be repaid. All my love to you Randy hart and soul I can never forget you and I never wish to.
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
A change in pace a poem for the night
Lost on the wind.
in the dust I spin.
Neither light or dark
i float on the wind.
Lost in the wind
since of it can not mend
forgiveness is not a sin
I float on the wind.
Lost in the wind
the soul seeks to win
to the heart that gives in
I float in the wind
Lost in the wind
One tears to begin
Lost to the heart
I float in the wind
Lost in the wind
To make since of it all
truth to the end
I float in the wind
in the dust I spin.
Neither light or dark
i float on the wind.
Lost in the wind
since of it can not mend
forgiveness is not a sin
I float on the wind.
Lost in the wind
the soul seeks to win
to the heart that gives in
I float in the wind
Lost in the wind
One tears to begin
Lost to the heart
I float in the wind
Lost in the wind
To make since of it all
truth to the end
I float in the wind
Monday, March 17, 2008
Molly My Little Girl
June 2000 I am not sure what it was that month. Maybe a feeling of longing or lacking. All I remember is that one day my partner of the time and I found our self's at Paws. We were going from kennel to kennel looking at all of the dogs. Each kennel had a clear plastic envelope that contain the each dogs name vitals and likes and dislikes. I turned to look back down the row of Kennels that we had just about made it to the end of to see a St Bernard pup coming back from a meet and great. That is what the people at Paws do to make sure or at lest get an idea of how well some one would get along and manage the dog that they wish to adopt.
Now I have always loved big dogs and a St Bernard has always been past tense on my list of dogs that I would enjoy having. That was until I saw it slobber and realized just how big of a dog it really is. This one was just a pup mind you but at just a couple of months old it would have had no trouble grabbing any meal off of your counter. And the drool was just to much. Beautiful but more then I am willing to handle.
I think my partner almost died when I commented on how beautiful he was and that I had always liked the big dogs. What I know for sure is that he was truly relived when I saw all the drool and let him know that there was no way that I was going to be dealing with it.
We continued along seeing this dog and that when we came to a little cute little black fuzz ball but the envelope with her name and all the information was missing. So we asked one of the care takers there at Paws what the story was. We found out that Spot that was the name that they had given her had just been place up for adoption and that they had not had a chance to put up her description yet. She was a stray Border Collie Australian mix that had been brought in and was about three months old. Both of us took a look at each other and turned and asked if we could have a meet and greet with here.
The care taker was a bit nervous as the bread was a lot of work but I knew about them and that was one of the reasons I was interested in her. Both Border Collies and Australian Shepherds are incredible intelligent and need lots of attention as well as something to keep them entertained as their minds just are always going.
We told them that we would take her and we did.
Three days latter we picked her up and brought her home for the first time. We both were really a bit put off by Paws not that they are over pertective and a bit stuck on them selfs. They were just a little premature with spaying is all. What I am talking about here is that before you can take any animal from Paws they will have then either neutered or spayed as the case may be. Now I have no problem with that it is just that you should not do it when a dog or any animal for that matter is to young. Spot was only three months when she was snipped. Way to young.
But one other thing before I come back to her spaying. Spot was just the wrong name for her. When we got her home for the first time my partner asked me what do you think we should call her as he thought that Spot is all wrongas well. To this day we still can not figure out why they chose that name. I took one look at her and then to my partner she's a Molly and Molly she has been ever since. I do call her little girl from time to time as it fits and she is my little girl.
Spaying, needless to say when you spay a dog when it is to young it has not had the time to developed its immune system to fight off infections. I think it must have been less then a week before we were off to Phynney Ridge Animal Hospital as Molly's stitches had gotten infected and she needed to be put on Antibiotics along with the head cone so she would not be able to play with the stitches until they had healed. God those cones are just to funny especially when they are eating. It is good that there is humor in most things. If I had a picture of it I would share it but i don't I am sure you have all seen it before.
That was eight years ago and Molly is still at my side. She is my friend, companion as well as a pest that will not stop till she has here way. She keeps me warm at night and gives me kisses when I am upset letting me know that she is there for me and will do what it takes to make my tears go away. For that I am truly grateful. I don't know what I would do with out my little girl.
Now I have always loved big dogs and a St Bernard has always been past tense on my list of dogs that I would enjoy having. That was until I saw it slobber and realized just how big of a dog it really is. This one was just a pup mind you but at just a couple of months old it would have had no trouble grabbing any meal off of your counter. And the drool was just to much. Beautiful but more then I am willing to handle.
I think my partner almost died when I commented on how beautiful he was and that I had always liked the big dogs. What I know for sure is that he was truly relived when I saw all the drool and let him know that there was no way that I was going to be dealing with it.
We continued along seeing this dog and that when we came to a little cute little black fuzz ball but the envelope with her name and all the information was missing. So we asked one of the care takers there at Paws what the story was. We found out that Spot that was the name that they had given her had just been place up for adoption and that they had not had a chance to put up her description yet. She was a stray Border Collie Australian mix that had been brought in and was about three months old. Both of us took a look at each other and turned and asked if we could have a meet and greet with here.
The care taker was a bit nervous as the bread was a lot of work but I knew about them and that was one of the reasons I was interested in her. Both Border Collies and Australian Shepherds are incredible intelligent and need lots of attention as well as something to keep them entertained as their minds just are always going.
We told them that we would take her and we did.
Three days latter we picked her up and brought her home for the first time. We both were really a bit put off by Paws not that they are over pertective and a bit stuck on them selfs. They were just a little premature with spaying is all. What I am talking about here is that before you can take any animal from Paws they will have then either neutered or spayed as the case may be. Now I have no problem with that it is just that you should not do it when a dog or any animal for that matter is to young. Spot was only three months when she was snipped. Way to young.
But one other thing before I come back to her spaying. Spot was just the wrong name for her. When we got her home for the first time my partner asked me what do you think we should call her as he thought that Spot is all wrongas well. To this day we still can not figure out why they chose that name. I took one look at her and then to my partner she's a Molly and Molly she has been ever since. I do call her little girl from time to time as it fits and she is my little girl.
Spaying, needless to say when you spay a dog when it is to young it has not had the time to developed its immune system to fight off infections. I think it must have been less then a week before we were off to Phynney Ridge Animal Hospital as Molly's stitches had gotten infected and she needed to be put on Antibiotics along with the head cone so she would not be able to play with the stitches until they had healed. God those cones are just to funny especially when they are eating. It is good that there is humor in most things. If I had a picture of it I would share it but i don't I am sure you have all seen it before.
That was eight years ago and Molly is still at my side. She is my friend, companion as well as a pest that will not stop till she has here way. She keeps me warm at night and gives me kisses when I am upset letting me know that she is there for me and will do what it takes to make my tears go away. For that I am truly grateful. I don't know what I would do with out my little girl.
A Simple Back Ground.
I was a happy child growing up and for the most part just the happy go lucky time in my early years. Mom was always amazed when we flew to see her sister at Christmas time that I was first out of my set as soon as the set belt sign was off. Up and about chatting with whom ever I cam across as I wondered the isles of the air plane.
I did well in my early years of school but as time went by life was ready to through me my first challenge Once I had reached 6th grade my schooling took a huge change. My grades dropped to almost failing and no matter how had I tried or how much I studied I could make no progress no advance meant I was continually teased by the other kids in my class each time the grades came out as we all had to go to the front of the room to get our report cards. I remember being frustrated and not understanding. Every one thought that I was stupid and that I would come to nothing except of course for my mom. She new that I was an intelligent child but could not understand why I was not able to learn.
Mom watched me study and try my hardest to succeed. She got me a tutor but no matter what the two of us tried I was not able to make any progress. It was like there was a switch in my mind that had been shut off. Mom finally got the answer from my doc one day as they where walking the halls of the hospital that her office was at. He doctor Tucker asked mom if I had been tested for dyslexia. Mom had no idea of what dyslexia is. She told doctor Tucker that she didn't and had not had me tested. As it happened doctor Tuckers son Jim was a teacher with his wife Janis and knew all about dyslexia and would be able to test me.
Well as you can guess the test came back with the answer to my problem in learning. I am severely dyslexic. Not just the simple reversing of a word or couple of letters but much more.
I was reading to my mom one day. I had just finished three paragraphs on the page but before I could turn the page my mom with this confused look on her face asked me what I had just read. I told her the story in chronological order. Mom just shook her head and looked at me and asked me if I knew what I had done. I told here I didn't. She let me know that the order I had read the paragraphs was first, last and then middle paragraphs. The funny part is that I had not a clue that this is what I had done.
The summer before I started my junior high school Janis started tutoring me and teaching me how to deal with my dyslexia. She taught me a new approach to learning and way in which I could progress along with every one else. Learn to read and not struggle with it. Well at the end of my 6th grade I was getting D's on most of every thing that I attempted but after Janis summer of tutoring me I finished the first quarter of my junior year with mostly Bs and C's. I was able with continued help able to go from a 1 point grade average to 3.14 . This was followed by two wonderful years in boarding school. It can be just amazing what can happen and what you can do when you have the help and guidance one needs.
I will always be dyslexic and will always be fighting to get things in the correct order. As I sit here typing I am constantly correcting my self as my hands get confused and place things backwards. I have learned to cope and have come to love to read instead of dread it as I did during those early years.
I did well in my early years of school but as time went by life was ready to through me my first challenge Once I had reached 6th grade my schooling took a huge change. My grades dropped to almost failing and no matter how had I tried or how much I studied I could make no progress no advance meant I was continually teased by the other kids in my class each time the grades came out as we all had to go to the front of the room to get our report cards. I remember being frustrated and not understanding. Every one thought that I was stupid and that I would come to nothing except of course for my mom. She new that I was an intelligent child but could not understand why I was not able to learn.
Mom watched me study and try my hardest to succeed. She got me a tutor but no matter what the two of us tried I was not able to make any progress. It was like there was a switch in my mind that had been shut off. Mom finally got the answer from my doc one day as they where walking the halls of the hospital that her office was at. He doctor Tucker asked mom if I had been tested for dyslexia. Mom had no idea of what dyslexia is. She told doctor Tucker that she didn't and had not had me tested. As it happened doctor Tuckers son Jim was a teacher with his wife Janis and knew all about dyslexia and would be able to test me.
Well as you can guess the test came back with the answer to my problem in learning. I am severely dyslexic. Not just the simple reversing of a word or couple of letters but much more.
I was reading to my mom one day. I had just finished three paragraphs on the page but before I could turn the page my mom with this confused look on her face asked me what I had just read. I told her the story in chronological order. Mom just shook her head and looked at me and asked me if I knew what I had done. I told here I didn't. She let me know that the order I had read the paragraphs was first, last and then middle paragraphs. The funny part is that I had not a clue that this is what I had done.
The summer before I started my junior high school Janis started tutoring me and teaching me how to deal with my dyslexia. She taught me a new approach to learning and way in which I could progress along with every one else. Learn to read and not struggle with it. Well at the end of my 6th grade I was getting D's on most of every thing that I attempted but after Janis summer of tutoring me I finished the first quarter of my junior year with mostly Bs and C's. I was able with continued help able to go from a 1 point grade average to 3.14 . This was followed by two wonderful years in boarding school. It can be just amazing what can happen and what you can do when you have the help and guidance one needs.
I will always be dyslexic and will always be fighting to get things in the correct order. As I sit here typing I am constantly correcting my self as my hands get confused and place things backwards. I have learned to cope and have come to love to read instead of dread it as I did during those early years.
Thoughts to start with
I am all of 43 years old now. I have had my highs and my lows. I have seen friends come and go. Some that will be a part of my life from now till the light leaves my eyes for the last time. I have seen and shared with many that will never know the numbers of days that they should have.I have learned to care,cry, love, laugh, share, hate, be jelous, hurt, suffer, and to dance. I have seen blind bigotry hidden in the eyes of racism. I have seen so much love it's hard to believe that it is even possible. I have witness so much hate. I have played and been the fool. I have been the asshole the jurk and the lost. I have been the hope and the answer.. the know it all .. and know nothing... believed to have the answer to only be wrong or right.
The reallity of it all is more then we all see. Most defenately more then we will ever do. You either are a part of life or live life. Living life is making something of your self. Something that you yourself are happy if not proud of. This can be as simple as living life to the best that you know how or it can be so much more as in participating in events, parties, spending time with friends. Each time you meet and make new freinds a part of your life you inriching their lifes by making theirs so much more then they would be with out you. Let alone how much each and every one of them make us grow.
In doing such making once own life worth living, inriched and so much more than it would just have been. If you do the opposite and just watch life go by. Be carefull. DON'T fall into this trap. It is a trap after all just a mith of some one elses making. It is a choice after all.
Watching life go by. Yes a choice made of our own beliefs. Our own conceptions of that which we have been taught or learned. The belief that life must be live to the beliefs of some one else. The belief that what you me feel or see in your hart is wrong. so instead of being the person you are. Instead of living your life. You watch life go by. you do not participate. you do not feel. you are stagnate. You do nothing. You fall into disspear. You believe nothing of your self. Your numb. Life has no meaning . Your know nothing but depression.. but it that truly reality.... NO.
The reallity of it all is more then we all see. Most defenately more then we will ever do. You either are a part of life or live life. Living life is making something of your self. Something that you yourself are happy if not proud of. This can be as simple as living life to the best that you know how or it can be so much more as in participating in events, parties, spending time with friends. Each time you meet and make new freinds a part of your life you inriching their lifes by making theirs so much more then they would be with out you. Let alone how much each and every one of them make us grow.
In doing such making once own life worth living, inriched and so much more than it would just have been. If you do the opposite and just watch life go by. Be carefull. DON'T fall into this trap. It is a trap after all just a mith of some one elses making. It is a choice after all.
Watching life go by. Yes a choice made of our own beliefs. Our own conceptions of that which we have been taught or learned. The belief that life must be live to the beliefs of some one else. The belief that what you me feel or see in your hart is wrong. so instead of being the person you are. Instead of living your life. You watch life go by. you do not participate. you do not feel. you are stagnate. You do nothing. You fall into disspear. You believe nothing of your self. Your numb. Life has no meaning . Your know nothing but depression.. but it that truly reality.... NO.
An so the stories starts
OK here we go this is my story...
This is for you Mom... as you have always believed in me and given me the strength and had the faith in me to make me the man that I am this day.
Onward and Upward.
Also this if for you babe... thanks for the faith you have in me thanks for making me part of you life. To helping me find my self alowing me to believe in my self once again for showing me how to live live instead of watching it go by and being lost for all time.. the thanks i owe you can never be repaid... LYTMD for now and for ever.
For all of us who try to find that inside of us that makes us what we are, to help us see that there is more to this life, that the live we live is worth every minute and second of every day. To see that life is worth living. That life is worth sharing. That life is worth making something of it.
Enjoy
This is for you Mom... as you have always believed in me and given me the strength and had the faith in me to make me the man that I am this day.
Onward and Upward.
Also this if for you babe... thanks for the faith you have in me thanks for making me part of you life. To helping me find my self alowing me to believe in my self once again for showing me how to live live instead of watching it go by and being lost for all time.. the thanks i owe you can never be repaid... LYTMD for now and for ever.
For all of us who try to find that inside of us that makes us what we are, to help us see that there is more to this life, that the live we live is worth every minute and second of every day. To see that life is worth living. That life is worth sharing. That life is worth making something of it.
Enjoy
It's a Start
I have been thinking about writing for a long time and have come to that point in my life were that is just what I am going to do. Now I know that I am not the best at this and would love to get all the feed back that I can. I really mean it. I want to know what is good about what I have to tell as well as what is not. I would love to know what people find interesting in my stories and what they would like to know more about. What it is that captures your imagination. These are some of the things I would just love to know.
So please with that in mind as you read through my blog please let me know what you think.
Thanks
Chris
So please with that in mind as you read through my blog please let me know what you think.
Thanks
Chris
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